Before I was the vibrant and passionate freedom fanatic that I am today, I was shackled with shame and suffering from low self-esteem, limiting beliefs and negative thought patterns.Yet I put on my mask every day before I greeted the world. You couldn’t tell by looking at me that I was a hot mess. And while my mask protected me from the glares and stares of those who would judge me, it also smothered my soul and dimmed my light.
By not standing on my truth and living a lie, I willingly chose to put on my golden shackles and wear them like a badge of honor. Instead of playing full out, I sat on the sidelines of life and made excuses as to why I wasn’t living up to my purpose, passion and potential.
I had MULTIPLE shame points (4 abortions, herpes, dui, jail time, promiscuity, 2 miscarriages,etc.) and felt like I was damaged goods, unloveable and contaminated. I was screaming in silence! This was no way to live, but I didn’t have the courage to face my shame nor step into my greatness.
I had allowed my shame points to define who I was! What man would want to date or marry a women infected with an incurable disease? How could GOD love me after 4 abortions? How could I love me after 4 abortions? What was I thinking? You would think I would have stopped after one, right? At least by the second one for sure. Nope. Not me. It took me 4 times to finally say enough! And it ate away at me day and night. My soul was weeping! I was trapped in a vicious cycle of victimhood.
I was being a punk. There is no other way to put it. I didn’t want to face up to the part I played in some of the less than stellar choices I had made in my life. While it was easy to blame all my issues on my dysfunctional childhood, it didn’t make me feel any better.
I couldn’t continue living this way! Deep down inside, I KNEW there was more to my life. I just had to find a way to move out of Victimville and relocate to Victory Lane. Just like poet Anais Nin said so eloquently, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom,” I had reached the point where I could no longer be content in my misery.
I started listening to motivational videos and attending seminars about improving my life. It wasn’t easy facing my demons and gremlins! But I figured if I was going to be miserable anyway, I might as well be miserable working on making myself a better person! Besides, I knew that if I kept at it, it would eventually get much easier to bear. The journey back to loving ME, began with regaining my confidence, practicing gratitude, taking responsibility for my life and forgiving myself. And you know what? I realized that I am still an awesome person. Even with all of my scars and imperfections I am a masterpiece!